


Unfaltering (Like the Ocean Kisses the Land)

by suhoneymod



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 02:23:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10844526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suhoneymod/pseuds/suhoneymod
Summary: Joonmyun gets left at the altar and decides to take his best friend Jongin with him on what would have been his honeymoon, not knowing that Jongin has been quietly crushing on his since forever.





	Unfaltering (Like the Ocean Kisses the Land)

**Author's Note:**

> (Slow building, you said. Is this slow enough, lmao OTL)
> 
> (Prompt #166)
> 
> by [eoryndal](http://eoryndal.livejournal.com/)

“Jongin?”

The voice on the phone is all too familiar.

“Hyung,” Jongin says. _Don't call me_ , he wants to say, _I don't want to talk to you._ But he did this to himself, he picked up when Joonmyun's name was lighting up his phone screen. So instead he adds. “Congratulations on your wedding. Sorry I couldn't be there.”

He's not exactly sorry. He had fabricated an excuse so he could stay out of attending Joonmyun's wedding, a story about his grandma being very sick and his family urging him to visit her as it might be the last chance. Jongin had indeed gone to visit her although that was because he wanted some time away from the city. Old Mrs. Kim is raking her small vegetable garden in best health as Jongin tries not to breathe into the receiver because Joonmyun knows him too well, knows by the cadence of his breath when he's angry.

“My... my wedding.” The line crackles as Joonmyun breathes hard into his phone. Upset. Jongin knows him well, too. “Jonginnie, I–” His voice lilts up as he breaks off and his breath comes in stutters, almost like sobs, making the line crackle again and again. “How's your grandma?”

Jongin doesn't have the patience for this. Not today. “How drunk are you?” he scoffs. “You should be at your wedding party having fun with your wife and your guests instead of getting all worked up over grannie's health. She's fine, if you have to know. Now go dance. But lay off the damned alcohol, you've had enough.”

“Stop. Stop it,” Joonmyun says in a tiny voice on the other end of the line, takes a long, shaky breath. “I didn't even touch a single glass of wine!” he wails and breaks out into a full crying fit.

Jongin's heart freezes. He can't bear to hear other people cry, least of all his best friend. On the day that should be his happiest, too. “Hyung, why are you _crying?”_

“Jongin, I wish you were here. It's so bad. I don't– don't know what to do,” Joonmyun is choking on every word with sobs. “I just. Want her back. I can't un– understand why she ran away. She was right there– god, Jongin, she looked so beautiful. Why?” Joonmyun cries into his phone. “Why? Why?? Is it my fault? She didn't say anything, she just– she just turned and ran–”

“Hyung. Hyung! I don't understand a word you're saying. Who ran away?”

“Hayoon. My Hayoon.” Another wave of sobs chokes Joonmyun's voice.

Jongin frowns at Joonmyun's words. It's probably the nerves. The girl ran away from the party because she needed a moment to breathe and will be back in a minute with her make-up touched up and the big smile back on her face and her lovely white dress. Jongin tells Joonmyun as much.

But what he hears next chokes him, makes it all fade to a faint grey ringing.

“No, there's no party. There's no _marriage_.” From the way Joonmyun's thin voice sounds and trembles a little Jongin knows that he ran out of big, loud sobs and has tears running out of his eyes like a faucet now. Joonmyun doesn't cry often, though when he does it's always like this. First the big, ugly, gasping sobs, and then he goes quiet and weak, and it just pours out of him.

“She– she ran away from the ceremony, oh, Jonginnie, do you understand? The cake, the guests... I don't know what to do. What do I– The _honeymoon trip_. And I can never look my mum in the eyes again. Got left at the altar, a disgrace to my family. She's such a good person. I... I must have been bad to Hayoon? I thought I did everything for her. I wanted to give her everything.” He stops and swallows thickly before listening for a second. “...Jongin? ...Are you still there?”

“I'm always here for you.”

-

The flight to Honolulu is quiet. It's a nighttime flight and most passengers are sleeping. Joonmyun had claimed the window seat but the blinds had been closed, leaving him with no choice but to read an e-book he'd brought.

Jongin hadn't made any plans for the flight. He thought he would sleep some, watch a movie, talk to Joonmyun. He's been dozing, keeping an eye on Joonmyun from under the cap he's wearing. After a while he notices that Joonmyun hasn't been turning pages, only staring absent-mindedly at the e-reader.

“You didn't sleep, did you, hyung?”

Joonmyun puts his e-reader down and stretches his shoulders, yawning heartily. “As always, you can tell.”

“Pfft, doesn't take a genius. You should name those eye bags.” Jongin grins, making Joonmyun push his lower lip out in a pout. But Jongin could never only mock his friend, so he flips the arm rest between their seats up and pulls Joonmyun against his body.

“Here,” he says and doesn't let up until Joonmyun's head is resting on his shoulder. “Sleep.”

“If you wanted to cuddle you could've just said so,” Joonmyun jokes.

“I don't wanna cuddle! I want you to sleep.”

Joonmyun hums against Jongin's shoulder, so tired he can hardly keep his eyes open. “I don't think I can sleep. It's only two hours until we're landing.”

Jongin doesn't say anything to that, he just reaches up and switches Joonmyun's reading light off. Within a minute, Joonmyun has fallen asleep with his head on Jongin's shoulder. Jongin can't help the fond smile as some of the emotional and physical exhaustion eases off Joonmyun's face, bringing back the softer lines and smoother brow that Jongin knows and cherishes.

-

In Honolulu they have to spend a few hours of free time. Transfer, if you will. Jongin makes sure not to mention their destination with a single word – he doesn't want to remind Joonmyun of his failed marriage – but when they make their way to the harbour in the afternoon, he can't stop himself any longer. He's buzzing with excitement, and Joonmyun must be even more so.

“Are you ready? You've dreamt about this your whole life!”

Joonmyun cannot answer, he just nods his head wildly and his eyes are sparkling.

“Thank you for coming with me,” he gets out and grins at Jongin, the first joyful smile he's shown since they met at the airport.

He's in a good mood, so Jongin deems it appropriate to joke. “For coming on your honeymoon? No need to thank me. It's what best friends do. Bachelor parties? Beginners. Best men? Nah, what are cousins for? Real best friends go on honeymoon trips together.”

“Oh my god, stop it,” giggling, Joonmyun interrupts Jongin's teasing when it becomes too much.

“Really though. I'm glad you're here.” He smiles at Jongin.

Jongin puts his arm around Joonmyun's shoulder, smiling with him. Keeps his arm there. Because Joonmyun is the perfect height and because for some things Jongin has no words, only touches. And, a little bit, because Jongin loves feeling Joonmyun tucked into his arms.

Unaware of what's going through Jongin's head, Joonmyun keeps babbling as they walk towards the docks. “It's really been my dream to go on a cruise. I think if I had cancelled it, with how the wedding went... or, well, _not_ went, I might have never made a second attempt to fulfil this dream. Plus, everything was already booked and the cancellation fees are horrible! And... I needed to get away from... everyone. Back home. You know.”

Jongin hums and nods. He remembers Joonmyun crying on the phone how disappointed his parents were in him.

“Sorry I made you leave your grandma. How is she?”

“Uhm, better,” Jongin mumbles, feeling a hot rush of shame. He's going to have to confess his lie about her health to Joonmyun soon or he'll carry that guilt around like a backpack full of stones. But how could he ever explain that twisted reason why he couldn't stand the thought of going to his best friend's wedding?

Each occupied with his own thoughts, they bend around a corner and finally it comes into view, the pearl white cruise ship that's going to take them on a honeymoon around the islands of Hawai'i and French Polynesia.

“It's huge!” Joonmyun exclaims. “Look at how many storeys it has!”

Boarding a cruise ship, they find out, is a lot like boarding a plane. It takes hours of patient waiting and standing in line.

“The honeymoon suite for Mr. and... Mrs. Kim?” The young woman in the ticket box looks up from Joonmyun's booking papers and her confused look travels back and forth between them.

“Erm... uh...”

Jongin throws Joonmyun a wide-eyes look. It's rare that between the two of them Joonmyun is grasping for words, being naturally good at making conversation. Jongin isn't as good at chit-chat, he likes taking his time and giving deliberate answers.

“Oh, that should read Mr. and Mr. Kim,” Jongin says in a moment of quick thinking and surprises himself with how well the saving lie rolls off his tongue, “and the honeymoon suite is correct.” He smiles his megawatt smile at the woman and pulls Joonmyun close to him with an arm around his waist. “See, darling, I told you you should have re-checked with the travel agency. It's an easy mistake to make. After all, this is somewhat unexpected for most people still.”

The woman looks a tad doubtful, although Jongin's winning smile doesn't stay without effect. The sceptical frown on her forehead smooths out when she looks at the papers again.

“The reservation is on Mr. Joonmyun Kim's name. May I please see your ID?”

“Uh, 'course.”

Checking Joonmyun's passport seems to clear any residue of doubt in her.

“Well,” she smiles charmingly at both of them, “Mr. and Mr. Kim. Here are your boarding passes. These cards are your room keys, please make sure not to lose them. Enjoy your time on our ship. And – congratulations on your wedding!”

“Thank you.” The words hop out of Joonmyun's mouth as though they're not sure what they're doing out here. He accepts the papers, and the way he's looking awfully flustered at the whole affair makes Jongin's heart bob in his chest.

“I can't believe you just did that,” Joonmyun wheezes as soon as they're out of earshot.

Jongin pulls one shoulder up in a shrug and grins a sheepish grin. “Good thing we have the same family name.”

Together with a crowd of other people they have to make their way through a glass-enclosed boarding bridge which leads them onto the actual ship. Someone pushes between Jongin and Joonmyun, separating them. Jongin tiptoes but more people rush past him, someone even bumps into him. He pulls a face and tries to catch sight of Joonmyun. He's never liked crowds, anyway.

A warm, familiar hand pushes into his and Jongin turns to look, finding Joonmyun smiling at him.

“Don't go missing on me,” Joonmyun says and tacks on a teasing, “darling.”

Jongin groans.

-

The huge cruise ship blows a long, deep toot from its horn and slowly, slowly gathers way, leaving the harbour behind. The sun is lowering on the horizon and making the water glow golden. The first thing Jongin did when they got to their roomy cabin was throwing the balcony doors open and letting the sea breeze blow through his hair. The second thing was taking his shoes off, and the third, falling face-first onto the made bed. He takes a deep breath of the freshly laundered blankets and almost inhales a prettily wrapped chocolate that's placed on their pillows as a gesture of welcome. He rolls onto his back and stretches his arms up, then pops one of the chocolates into his mouth, chewing with single-minded dedication.

“What's for dinner? I'm starving.”

Joonmyun chuckles at his antics, but ignores him otherwise, flitting through the room and opening cabinets and drawers with curious eyes.

“Hey, a mini fridge. There are some bottles in here. One is champagne? Huh. _Oh god_ , it's from the ship crew, 'to the newlyweds'.”

Horrified, Joonmyun throws the fridge shut. Jongin laughs.

“Can I eat your chocolate, too?” he calls lazily from the bed.

“Sure, whatever. I need a shower before we go out to eat. Need to wash the air plane ickiness off.”

“Why did you dress in such a stiff button-down? You should've worn a t-shirt like me. I feel great.”

“I don't take fashion advice from someone who doesn't wear socks in his shoes and carries his phone and passport in an old paper bag.”

Joonmyun digs clothes and other things out of his suitcase until he finds his toiletries. Everything he doesn't need ends up strewn across the floor.

“Five minutes and it looks just like our room in college. Really, I hated rooming with you,” Jongin comments from the bed, smirking.

Joonmyun laughs and goes into the small bathroom. “Missed you too.”

Jongin calls after him. “I didn't miss you, I see you at the office every day. Thank fuck we're in different departments and don't share a cubicle.”

“Language! Darling.”

“Hyung, would you _stop_ it,” Jongin whines loud enough to be heard in the bathroom but the only answer he receives is a loud laugh and the sound of the shower starting. 

Jongin keeps chuckling to himself for a while. He and Joonmyun are both slobs in their own ways, and he loves being so comfortable around Joonmyun that he doesn't have to act any differently than he would at home.

Neither does Joonmyun. He reappears from the bathroom, dripping hair and safe for a towel around his waist.

Realization hits Jongin like a jolt of electricity and left his lungs short of breath. He rolls off the bed quickly and stands at the balcony door, looking out. He'll be living in close quarters with Joonmyun for the next ten days. With Joonmyun and his messiness and his lame jokes and his glasses that he only wears at home or around Jongin. With Joonmyun and his hair that drips everywhere and his knobbly knees with the ugly scar from the surgery he had at 18. With Joonmyun and his small hands and his pale, muscular chest and his defined abs and nothing but a towel around his narrow waist.

“Jongin?”

He whirls around. Joonmyun is bent in a funny position on one foot, one leg already clad in black sweatpants, the other up and in the process of being pushed through the other pant leg, but he stopped in the middle of it, looking quizzically at Jongin.

They never used to be shy around each other, Jongin remembers. Act natural. But then again, Joonmyun wasn't this... buff in college. And he doesn't even bother wearing boxers under his sweatpants; the waistband is just barely covering him and Jongin can see the left groove of his Adonis belt and half of his well-rounded butt cheek.

“I just. The sunset. I wanted to. Take a picture. But I forgot and it seems I missed it already, haha.”

“The sun sets every day. Just take a picture tomorrow.” Joonmyun shrugs and lets himself fall on the bed.

Jongin crosses his arms. “You're getting the pillow wet.”

“So what? It's my pillow. Honestly, I don't wanna go out for dinner now. Let's just order room service?”

“Okay,” Jongin acquiesces easily and plops back down on his side of the king-sized bed with the menu. They lie on their stomachs side by side and go through the options. Joonmyun's skin is heavenly cool as his arm brushes against the heated skin of Jongin's arm.

Joonmyun makes the call and Jongin goes to open the door when the food is wheeled in on a trolley table, complete with silver covers which the waiter lifts from the plates when he presents the food.

“Chicken cordon bleu and ratatouille for the honeymoon suite 10164, a bottle of water, and one wine?”

“Yes, thank you.”

Joonmyun is hungry enough to peek around the corner at the food despite being only dressed in his sweatpants. The waiter catches sight of him, eyebrows rising almost to the line of his dark, curly hair. He draws himself up and straightens his well-fitting waiter vest over his white shirt, looking Jongin up and down with a slow smile spreading on his face.

“Bon appetit. If you need anything else, don't hesitate to let me know,” he says, laden with meaning.

Jongin keeps his smile on the reserved side and gives a polite affirmative answer. It's obvious he's being flirted with and he doesn't know how he feels about that.

The food is good, at least. And it's comfortable when it's just Joonmyun and him again.

That is, until Joonmyun drinks his wine, and then some gin from the mini fridge, and starts crying.

“I just need to understand,” is one of the things Joonmyun cries out, a deep pain cutting through his voice. “I need to ask Hayoon why she left me.”

He grabs for his phone and swipes his thumb drunkenly over the lock screen.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling her.”

“No, no, hyung. You can't do that. You'd wake her up. It's 5 a.m. in Vancouver,” Jongin reasons with a glance on the clock on his phone which he hasn't set to Hawaiian time yet.

Putting a hand on Joonmyun's wrist, Jongin says gently. “You really can't call her right now. She's sleeping. And you're drunk. We should brush our teeth and go to bed. We'll arrive in Nawiliwili early tomorrow.”

“Nawili-what?” A small hiccup of a laugh leaps out of Joonmyun's throat which is raw from crying.

“Nawiliwili. Our port on Kaua'i. You wanted to go hiking, so we gotta rest now.”

Minutes later when they're ready for the night and are getting comfortable under their blankets, Joonmyun whines.

“I hate sleeping on a ship already. The room is going up and down.”

“Hum. I thought it's surprisingly steady. You're just drunk. Hey, you're not going to be sick, are you?”

“Nooo, I'm not. Man, being drunk alone sucks. Jonginnie, you have to drink with me next time.”

“Or you have to stay sober with me.”

-

It gets bright at a terribly early hour in the morning because they had forgotten to close the curtains and out at sea there's nothing to obstruct the light that comes pouring in as soon as the sun's over the horizon.

Joonmyun pulls the blanket over his head with the grumpiest noise Jongin has ever heard. Jongin goes to the bathroom to pee, and closes the curtains on the way back in hopes of one or two more hours of sleep.

When they get up, he looks almost as bad as Joonmyun who struggles out of bed with swollen eyes, a headache, and bloated cheeks.

“When's that fun, relaxing part starting?” Jongin croaks, trying to fight a yawn but it wins and turns so big that it makes his jaw hurt and his eyes water.

“After coffee, maybe?”

Jongin is desperate enough to order a coffee with his breakfast, too, but he regrets it on the first sip because he still can't stand the taste. He pushes his cup to Joonmyun who's happy to finish it, and orders a mango milkshake instead.

They go on a hiking trail in the lower mountain ranges close to the harbour because they don't want the ship to depart without them. It's quiet on these trails, the primary tourist magnets being the higher peaks in the middle of the island. Only birds and insects in the lush greenery around them can be heard and they find a platform with an amazing view of Mount Kawaikini in the distance. They sit and marvel at the many steep valleys in the sides of the mountain which look as if a god had placed a gigantic paper pyramid there, the sides of which had been folded many, many times. The vibrant colours of green and volcanic red rock stand out against the deep blue sky.

“Kind of awe-inspiring,” Jongin says quietly.

Joonmyun nods beside him. “We're so small in this world.”

They fall back into silence, watching clouds race over the crown of Mount Kawaikini. A pleasant buzz which comes from lack of sleep and taking in the overwhelming nature around them makes their bones feel earthy and heavy.

“All of these islands got formed by volcanoes, isn't it crazy if you think about it?” Joonmyun muses. “In a sense, they have that in common with feelings.”

“How so?” Jongin blinks at him.

“They may die but they leave behind a changed landscape.”

Jongin thinks it's truer than Joonmyun knows. He remains silent, though. He knows Joonmyun is talking about Hayoon and they way she impacted him, but at the same time Jongin's wondering who will form the landscapes of his own life like that. All of his sceneries up to the point of the wedding had included Joonmyun – as his friend, his room mate, and, when they got into the same company, even colleague. He was afraid they'd lose touch as Joonmyun built his own family, leaving Jongin behind, single, with no intentions to find a wife.

When Joonmyun found likeness between feelings and volcanoes, Jongin wonders, did he think of the tsunamis that erupting volcanoes can cause and change other people's landscapes, too?

Deep in their thoughts, and their small human forms cradled in all the green and red and blue, they make their way back to the harbour, reaching their cruise ship early. They welcome the extra time, though, and go exploring all the decks, an activity they haven't had time for yet.

They find many cafés, bars and restaurants, a spa and fitness centre, a theatre, a video game arcade, and even a whole shopping mall. Some decks are reserved for passenger cabins, just hallways after hallways full of doors leading to tiny living spaces. The cruise ship is almost like a whole city in and of itself, a city for no other purpose than entertainment designed to float on the ocean. Jongin can't get over his astonishment, but there is a sense of artificiality to everything which he finds hard to stomach.

Deck 13 is the highest one on which passengers are allowed. It's not roofed so the sports ground and outdoor pool they take a walk around are directly under the sky. People are playing tennis, splashing in the pool, or lounging in deck chairs.

“We're in Hilo tomorrow, and after that we have four days at sea. We have to come back here and get an ice cream,” Jongin announces with sparkling eyes.

Joonmyun nods, and they leave the crowded pool area behind, following the running track around the captain's bridge to the forward-facing part of the deck.

“Look, they have a dancefloor,” Joonmyun says. “We'll check out when they have dance nights. I know you would like that.”

Jongin walks across the currently empty dancefloor to the railing of the deck, hiding a smile and a slight flush from Joonmyun. It makes him happy that Joonmyun accommodates his sappy, romantic, dancing-under-the-stars side so easily, no questions asked. Most of Jongin's other friends would, too – but not without endless teasing.

Joonmyun steps beside Jongin and rests his arms on the railing, looking at the bigger deck below. The part that's visible from here is made to look like a large patio of an Italian restaurant. Joonmyun musters the tables, and Jongin, having already done that, uses the opportunity to keep his eyes trained on Joonmyun's face. Because... he's beautiful. The setting sun envelops Joonmyun in a soft glow and brings out red hues in his hair. The white long-sleeved shirt he's wearing is doused in rose colours. Jongin feels the sunlight warming his back and filling his chest to the brim.

He steals this little moment secretly and locks it away in his heart before Joonmyun turns around to him, smiling.

Jongin answers the smile naturally with one of his own, and asks. “Wanna eat dinner down there?”

 

“Just what I was thinking.”

-

In Hilo they walk around the streets in the touristy area not far from the harbour. There are many little stalls selling clothes, food, and knick-knacks. Joonmyun is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and tries to make Jongin buy one, as well. But Jongin refuses, sticking adamantly to his normal tank top.

However, it only takes a moment of inattention from Jongin for Joonmyun to disappear and pop up beside Jongin again, holding a flower garland and putting it around Jongin's neck with gleaming eyes. To Jongin's immediate embarrassment, the flower garland is one of those tacky tourist souvenirs made from artificial flowers strung together in rainbow colours. The garland glows on his chest like a fluffy neon summertime monstrosity, but he keeps it on. It makes Joonmyun look up at him with pure delight dancing in his eyes.

Jongin pouts and grumbles, mostly for show, and Joonmyun pets his arm, smiling fondly. He links his arm with Jongin's and snuggles up to him, taking advantage of his knowledge that cuddling keeps Jongin mollified.

Walking like that, they reach a quaint little square with white benches under hibiscus trees and wild roses. It's a pedestrian area so there are no cars, and everyone is walking in a slow, relaxed pace. Joonmyun and Jongin decide to look for an empty bench so they can sit down and bathe a little in the warm midday sun.

A man, another tourist by the looks of it, walks up to them and asks if he can take a picture of them. Joonmyun and Jongin share a confused look, wondering why a random stranger would want a picture of them, and the man, realizing that simply asking isn't getting him what he wants, switches his tactics to sweet-talking. When he starts gushing about what a cute couple they are, Joonmyun and Jongin get fed up with this infringement of their privacy and turn around to walk away.

The man sticks to them, camera at the ready as he jogs beside Jongin to keep up with their brisk paces. “Don't walk away. Just one picture. You're adorable.” Nodding his chin at Joonmyun, he smirks at Jongin and says with a little jab of his elbow in Jongin's side. “Shouldn't he be the one wearing the flowers, though?”

Unable to hide his discomfort at the bodily contact from this weird, invasive stranger, Jongin pulls a face of disgust. He throws a confused look at Joonmyun, wondering what on earth that comment about the flowers was supposed to mean.

“He's smaller, eh?” the man hints, leering. “The bottom. The girl in the relationship. The girl should wear the flowers.”

That's the last straw. Jongin can feel his patience snapping. He whirls around to the man and gets really fucking angry. “Get your insufferable ass out of my sight, you stupid idiot. It has nothing to do with how people look, how tall they are, how old they are or whatever your weird little bean brain has scrambled together. I suggest you stop bothering us and take your rude assumptions about gay relationships elsewhere. You're pissing me off!”

He's fuming so massively that the man backs off, but not without shouting after them. “What the fuck? I was just being happy for you! Stupid faggots.”

Joonmyun and Jongin stay standing in the middle of the road, dumb-struck, and gape at each other trying to comprehend what the hell just happened. Jongin feels a tremor of cold fear starting in his chest. Did he overreact? He must have seemed so out of character to Joonmyun. What if Joonmyun wants to know why he feels so strongly about gay relationships? He has never exactly...

“ _Bottom?_ ” Joonmyun asks as if that's the most confusing thing for him. The only explanation Jongin can think of is that Joonmyun doesn't know what it means.

“Yeah, the, you know... the one who. Receives. Uhm, during sex.” Jongin blushes.

“I know.” Joonmyun waves it off, and he doesn't seem to notice Jongin's blush, either. Jongin breathes a hidden sigh of relief. “But, I mean, why in the _world_ would anyone go up to two people, two men he assumes are gay, and call one of them girly just because he's the smaller one?”

“Right?!” Jongin agrees whole-heartedly. “The whole point of gay relationships that it's two _men!_ ”

They shake their heads over the absurdity some people sprout.

“Anyway. Darling.” Joonmyun winks, bringing up that old joke again. Jongin kind of loves him for doing things like that easily, joking that they are married. And ignoring rude remarks instead of scrambling to deny the assumption that they're together. It makes Jongin hope that it'll be just as easy when, _if,_ he tells Joonmyun whom his heart has set on.

“You look very handsome in that flower necklace.”

Jongin rolls his eyes, chuckling. He'd be in trouble if he let his chest swell every time Joonmyun compliments him. Due to Joonmyun being so kind and affectionate, saying nice things often, Jongin mastered the art of hiding how it affects him long ago.

“And you look very handsome in your– No, I can't find a good thing to say about that eyesore of a shirt.” Jongin jokes, and tacks on, unable to suppress his natural sweetness. “Only the person inside of it.”

 

Joonmyun's smile is warm, knowing that Jongin meant the last part. But, as his honour dictates when it comes to his sense of fashion, he doesn't forget to pluck at the lapels of his Hawaiian shirt in a way that he thinks looks cool.

“It's poppin'.”

-

From Hawai'i to the islands of French Polynesia, a long journey of four days at sea lies ahead of the cruise ship and its passengers when it leaves the harbour of Hilo in the early afternoon. Having had a pretty full schedule of activities so far, and still being a bit too fed up with that annoying encounter to join the crowds of people in the public areas of the cruise ship, Joonmyun and Jongin decide to just throw their pants and shirts off and lounge on the deck chairs of their private balcony.

Jongin gets comfortable with a book and Joonmyun joins him only moments later with a cold beer and his phone in his hand.

“Ahh, this is the life!” Joonmyun shouts happily, kicking up his legs. He brandishes his phone. “Let's take a selfie.”

Indulgently, Jongin puts his book on one of the small side tables, and leans over the short distance between their deck chairs so they can bring their faces together. Joonmyun presses the shutter button repeatedly and they horse around making funny faces.

“Let me see,” Jongin requests. Joonmyun hands him the phone and they go through the pictures, laughing.

“No, delete this!” Jongin squawks at one of the worst ones and presses the delete button quickly before Joonmyun can get a word in and, god beware, demand they keep it.

It was the first picture in their series, and the camera roll jumps back to the picture taken before that. It's a picture of Joonmyun and Hayoon a day before the wedding.

“Oh,” Jongin says apologetically.

Joonmyun stares at the photo, his smile falling off his face. He looks guilty. It's as if he doesn't allow himself to enjoy a carefree moment, as if forgetting the cancelled wedding and his failing relationship for a second means he's somehow betraying Hayoon. That's how Joonmyun's mind works when it's running in circles. Jongin knows him well enough that he can tell when he's spiralling down that way. He wishes he had it in him to shout at Joonmyun that he doesn't have to think about her every waking minute. It's not like he broke her heart. _She_ made the decision to leave. If anything, Joonmyun should allow himself to heal. And... to live his dream of going on a cruise without the ghost of her constantly ruining his fun.

“Why...” Joonmyun mumbles at the phone. “I thought she looked happy in this pic. But now I'm not so sure. Doesn't her smile look fake? Do you think she already had it all planned out that day?”

He tilts the phone screen to Jongin, demanding him to analyze her expression. Jongin can't see any doubt in her smile. But he doesn't want to talk about this whole thing. He'd prefer if Joonmyun just forgot about it and the two of them could enjoy their days on this cruise to the fullest. He's always having fun with Joonmyun. It's been almost like the old days when they were at college.

“Hyung,” he says with a hint of annoyance seeping into his tone, “she looks happy. You know she's not a sly person. About the wedding... _you_ talked to her, I didn't. If you don't understand her reasons, we'll never know why. Humans aren't mind-readers. So can't you just. Let it– _What are you doing?_ ”

Joonmyun's fingers were tapping on the phone screen while Jongin spoke, pulling up Hayoon's contacts, and now he's waiting for a call to connect, ignoring Jongin's question. He turns his back when Jongin makes a disapproving face, and steps inside their cabin. Jongin is left behind on the balcony, hurt, a bitter feeling in his chest. The sun is setting on the horizon, but he doesn't even have eyes for the beauty of it this time.

Jongin tries not to eavesdrop. The wind, the cries of sea birds, and the distant hum of the engines and the splashing of waves, though each not loud on their own, create a blanket of sounds. It's impossible to make sense of the snippets of words that reach Jongin's ears. He stays outside until it gets too chilly now that the dusk is setting in and he has no shirt or blanket to cover his bare chest.

Jongin steps inside and recognizes Joonmyun's shape lying curled up in the dark on his side of the bed. He sits on the bed beside Joonmyun without switching a light on. Placing his hand carefully on Joonmyun's hair, he begins petting him. Joonmyun stays facing away from him, breath stuttering quietly, and that's how Jongin knows he's crying. He hates it when someone sees.

“She said she had doubts.” Joonmyun's voice is surprisingly clear, but so small. “Like a nagging feeling in her gut. She said she loved me but she didn't want to go through with the marriage without being completely sure.”

Jongin hums. “So she just needs time?”

“I... I don't... maybe? She said we should go separate ways for now. I think she was looking for something? She said she'd know when she found it. Told me I would, too. I don't get it. My mum made me go on so many blind dates, and Hayoon stood out from all of them. She's everything I want in a woman. Smart, well-read, ambitious, energetic... Even her looks were what I had in mind, you know, small, long hair.” He waves his hand impatiently.

Jongin stops moving his hand in Joonmyun's hair. Those descriptions all sound... good, of course, but so impersonal, clinical almost. Jongin can't help noticing that there's spark is missing in them. If he burned for someone, being the romantic that he is, he would talk in coloured, winged, magical words, not a... a checklist.

“Did you love her?”

“We had our whole lives planned out. Do you think I would do that with just anyone? We wanted–”

“Did you, hyung?”

“Of course I did! She was the perfect match.”

Jongin sits and ponders what he could answer. What is perfection even? And what use is it if it doesn't make you happy?

“Jongin?” Joonmyun asks much later. His voice breaks shyly into the silence. “Can we just go to sleep like this?”

Jongin lies down next to him, stretching his body out on the bed and pulling the blanket up. “Like this?”

“No, closer. I could really need a hug.”

Despite his request, he makes no effort to move, staying in his position facing away from Jongin, curled up like a tiny shrimp. He sleeps like that when he feels like the world is crashing all around him and he has to go through it alone. It always makes Jongin feels strongly protective of him. Even on normal days, Joonmyun is the person he wants to take care of the most.

Jongin scoots closer, aligning their bodies so that he's curled all around Joonmyun. He puts one arm around Joonmyun's waist and offers the other for Joonmyun to lay his head on which he accepts with a touched sigh. Joonmyun grabs his other arm, the one around his waist and pulls on it, wrapping it around himself and wiggling back until he can feel the full warmth of Jongin's body all around him.

It's heard to breathe with so much of Joonmyun's naked torso pressed against his skin. Jongin feels light-headed. Their bodies begin to glow with combined heat. Joonmyun relaxes into it, as if the stress is melting from him. His lashes brush against Jongin's arm as he closes his eyes.

On the brink of sleep, he slurs. “I love that your heartbeat's always so strong. 'S like... I can feel life through you.”

Jongin places a feather-light kiss on the crown of Joonmyun's head. He seems to think that it's Jongin normal heartbeat, and Jongin lets him believe it. Maybe one day years ago, before Joonmyun met the woman he wanted to marry, he could have told him why it beats so strongly. But he missed that chance to speak, so now he can only hold his peace forever.

-

Joonmyun's coping strategy the next day seems to be total denial. Aided by the light, airy atmosphere in a pretty blue and white café with windows all along one wall offering a view of the ocean, he manages to convince himself that she just didn't want their honeymoon to be on a cruise ship since she's not a good swimmer. He reassures himself that they'll figure things out when he returns and they can start anew. Jongin scoffs inwardly at this horrendous explanation but he doesn't point out all the flaws in Joonmyun's reasoning because he knows Joonmyun doesn't really believe it himself. He just needs something to put his broken heart at rest for a while.

“You know, today is the perfect day for that ice cream we wanted to get. Let's change into our trunks and hang out by the pool. Life is meant to be enjoyed,” Joonmyun says in a cheerful tone.

There's a huge selection of ice cream flavours. Jongin finds his favourite and orders three scoops in a scone, slurping on it while waiting for Joonmyun to pick. There's nothing that feels more like summer holidays to Jongin than the scent of sun screen and saltwater, the noises of people splashing and yelling in the pool, the heat of sunshine on his skin, and the flavour of mint-choco chip exploding on his tongue. He lets out a happy groan and relishes the moment.

Fully focused on licking his ice cream, it takes him a while to notice Joonmyun's eyes on him. They're sparkling with an amusement Jongin can't quite place. It makes him curious but he wants to wait until Joonmyun spills it. So he keeps licking his mint-choco chip and just watches back. It feels like a staring contest which Jongin is bound to lose if he keeps watching the way Joonmyun's small tongue swirls all around his scoops of apple and mint.

As Jongin puts his pursed lips on top of his ice cream and sucks a chocolate chip into his mouth, and Joonmyun's eyes curl into a barely suppressed laugh, he gets irritated. Screw this competition.

“What?” he asks, mouth half-full.

Joonmyun bursts out laughing and says. “You're doing that so wantonly, you know that?”

“Since when is eating ice cream wanton?” Jongin pouts.

“Since–” Joonmyun chuckles but ducks his head and presses his lower lip hard against his upper lip to keep himself from saying it.

“ _What?_ ” Jongin complains and jabs him in the ribs.

Joonmyun squeaks, ever ticklish, and squirms away from the reach of his fingertips. When he's sure Jongin won't try to poke the answer out of him anymore, he returns close enough to Jongin's side to whisper without getting overheard by nearby guests.

“It looked like you were giving it a blowjob.”

“Oh my god, hyung!”

That's all that Jongin gets out, though. He's blanking in the department of witty replies and feels his face heating up.

“It was silly, okay?” Joonmyun says into the awkward silence. “I realized it. That's why I didn't want to say it.”

“...I think I'm gonna get a spoon. They probably have those little plastic ones.”

“No, Jongin, come on.” Joonmyun sidles up to Jongin, stops him from walking in the direction of the ice cream stand with a hand in the crook of his elbow. He grins, and tries to lighten the mood again, wiggling his eyebrows in such an exaggerated fashion that Jongin must fight to keep the corners of his mouth from twitching up.

“Admit it,” Joonmyun sing-songs, cheekiness bright in his voice, “you did it on purpose.”

“On purpose, sure,” Jongin snorts, but this time words at least don't fail him. So they're making blowjob jokes and innuendos. “I'm a professional ice cream blower. Rate my technique.”

He lowers his eyelids and looks at Joonmyun through his lashes, dragging his tongue up his ice cream in the most lascivious way possible before putting his whole mouth over the top and moving the cone in and out of his mouth, slurping the melting ice cream up. Joonmyun's eyes widen, and he only remembers to react when Jongin stops.

His laugh comes a beat late. “A+ for effort. But... too messy...”

He brushes the corner of Jongin's mouth with his finger like he's done a hundred times when Jongin has a smudge of food stuck to his lip. But today Jongin jerks back as if the small touch has set his nerve endings aflame. He brings his own hand up and rubs at the spot where a drop of ice cream had clung. His heart is pounding, and he's glad Joonmyun can't hear it. He's not reacting to Joonmyun casual touches as he usually does, and he knows it. He has to play it cool, or Joonmyun might catch on.

“I said I'm the pro. If you know a better technique, show me,” he teases in keeping with the joke. His own voice sounds low and a bit hoarse to him, and he can only pray that Joonmyun doesn't notice.

Joonmyun jumps to the challenge. He lifts his cone and drags his flat tongue up the side where some melted ice cream is dripping. Joonmyun's eyes are locked on Jongin's as he does things with his small but long tongue. Jongin can feel the probing gaze hot on him, knowing Joonmyun will realize how transfixed he is on the way that tongue flicks, and yet he's unable to look away. He's uncomfortable in his skin, scared of revealing too much. Joonmyun knows him by the cadence of his breath but he's never heard Jongin breathe arousal so there's a tiny chance he won't notice. The sea breeze might carry away Jongin's hitch of breath when Joonmyun opens his small mouth and tries to engulf more of the tip. It barely fits, and white creamy mint ice cream stains his stretched lips.

“How was that?” he asks when he pulls off. His grin is a bit shaky, like he knows he overdid it and made it weird.

All Jongin has to do is throw an off-handed comment in and they can forget about this whole thing. Just some words, doesn't matter. But there's a trembling deep in his lungs and his tongue is sticking to the sugary roof of his mouth. He swallows hard, though no word comes out.

“You were totally picturing it,” Joonmyun teases, ploughing on with his joke bravely, the same thing he always does when his lame jokes fall short of the reaction he expected. Oftentimes Jongin wishes he would just stop.

“No!” he lies. Yes, he did picture it.

Except, it wasn't the first time and that's the problem. 

“You started it! You said it looked like I was–. You know. _Blowing it_ ,” he whines in a hushed voice. “When I was just innocently eating my ice cream. This one's on you, hyung. You pictured it first.”

“I would never,” Joonmyun reassures. He smiles, a simple smile without the mischievousness from moments before, and it feels like they struck a sort of truce without words. They sit on a bench and watch people splashing around in the huge outdoor pool on the deck as they finish their ice creams. Jongin feels the tension leave him, his breath starting to normalize, but it's still a while until his pounding heart calms down, too.

Of course Joonmyun didn't picture him giving a blowjob, he tells himself as he crunches the last bits of his ice cream cone between his teeth and swallows the sweetness down. Joonmyun doesn't think about men that way.

-

Joonmyun falls back into a brooding mood that night, so they order room service again. Not even changing out of his swimwear, Joonmyun is lying on the bed moping, making Jongin get the door.

The same waiter as last time brings their food. His face lights up when Jongin opens the door, obviously remembering him.

“You're the highlight of my day. Won't you order room service more often? I'd love to come by again soon.” He reveals the food underneath their silver covers. “Toast Hawaii for you, and one Pizza Tropicana for your boyfriend.” He lowers his voice. “Pineapple juice goes perfectly with that.”

The implication isn't lost on Jongin. He feels a wave of heat travel from his hairline through his whole body. The man is very attractive, too. “We're just friends.”

“Ah, just friends? That must be quite the fulfilling friendship–” the waiter pauses to make a gesture encompassing Joonmyun on the bed, the expensive honeymoon suite, and in a more general way the whole cruise ship, “–with benefits like these.”

He leans towards Jongin grinning conspiratorially.

“Well, if you're open to making more _friends_ on this ship, you know where to find me, yeah?”

Jongin waves him goodbye dazedly. It's not often that such handsome men outright flirt with him. And then the implication about him and Joonmyun, making him feel too hot under the collar he's not wearing. Maybe it's karma for letting the check-in girl believe they're married. On top of all of that, it's been almost a week, and Jongin isn't used to living in such close quarters with another man anymore, an attractive man who is also half-naked most of the time. He can't even go for a quick jack-off session in the shower because there's not enough privacy and Joonmyun can absolutely not know. Jongin feels like he's going stir-crazy.

Carrying the food to the bed, he turns the aircon lower.

-

The next night there's a big event on the ship. It's Formal Night, meaning everyone who wants to participate gets dressed up and enjoys a nice dinner in one of the many restaurants. Jongin isn't one to dress up if he can avoid it, but Formal Night is something that Joonmyun has been looking forward to since he booked the cruise.

“You clean up so well.” Joonmyun watches Jongin tug his shirt cuffs into place. Jongin is wearing a modern three-piece suit in black, and has decided to leave the top button on his white shirt open and the cuffs undone. He looks elegant with a touch of get-down-to-business.

Jongin steps in front of Joonmyun who is fumbling with his slim necktie and does what he's always wanted to do. He grabs Joonmyun by the necktie and tugs, making him stumble forward a step and look up with quizzical eyes. Jongin keeps his gaze fixed on Joonmyun's eyes as he slides the knot of the necktie slowly to its place between Joonmyun's clavicles.

“You look good, too,” he says in a low voice. Joonmyun parts his lips as if to says something but no sound comes out. It would be the perfect moment to kiss him. Jongin smiles and lets him go.

They head to the restaurant they had chosen for the occasion, a lavish place called Royal Palace. It's decorated in teal, gold and white, the ceiling painted with cherubs and hung with chandeliers. There are heavy purple curtains on art noveau windows with an ocean view. It's probably the most kitschy place on the whole ship, and that's why it's perfect for Formal Night.

They're seated at a table for two in a more private corner and order lobster.

“It's like we got teleported into a fairy tail.” Jongin laughs. “I almost expect the candleholder to start talking.”

“Well, you sure look like a Disney prince with your hair like that.”

“Which in this case would mean I'm the beast. Thanks a lot.” Jongin puts on his pout.

“You always turn my compliments into jokes. Just accept them. I enjoy giving them. Sometimes I think you don't know how gorgeous you are.”

“Hyung–”

“No, really. You would've looked so nice at the wedding if you had come. You'd have outshone all the decoration.” Joonmyun's smiling eyes are taking in Jongin in his suit as if he's imagining him sitting in the front row of the wedding hall.

Jongin puts his cutlery down carefully, bracing himself. “Hyung. There's something I have to tell you. My granny is perfectly fine. I needed an excuse because I didn't want to go to your wedding.”

“You... you didn't _want_ to? I'm your best friend! It was the biggest day of my life. I don't understand.” Joonmyun's voice wavers. “Why, Jongin? Why?”

“Hyung, I... I can't tell you right now.”

“But you lied to me! You said you couldn't come, but you didn't want to.” Joonmyun angrily wipes at a tear that's about to spill from the corner of his eyes. “Why does everyone who loves me lie to me?!”

A shaky inhale, and he tries to lower his voice so he doesn't shout in a restaurant. “Why can't you tell me, Jongin? Must be a big secret. And Hayoon didn't tell me what's up, either. I don't believe that 'I wasn't ready'. ...Oh, is that how it is? My two best friends keeping secrets from me, what a coincidence. Is that why you didn't go to the wedding? Because you're in love with Hayoon?”

“Wh–”

“Did she cheat on me with you? Now that I think about it I can't remember you going on any dates all the time I was dating her. Is this how long this has been going on?”

“Hyung, let m–”

“Now things are making sense. Oh, that's just great. I can't believe yo–”

“ _Shut up!_ ” Jongin shouts, lungs working like a pair of bellows whirling big, angry breaths out of his chest.

People stare.

“Just shut up. You've been constantly getting more irrational. I didn't say anything because I know it's not easy. I know you've had your heart broken and you can't get over it in a matter of days. I get that. But this is enough. You don't care one bit about how I'm feeling. You're throwing those accusations at me and I just– I–”

Jongin feels his eyes water, and the tears leak out before he can stop them. Joonmyun looks at him in silent, cold, distant expectancy.

“Hyung, I didn't want to tell you like this, but now I have to,” Jongin cries. “I'm not into women at all. I wanted to come out to you but it just never seemed right. I wanted to tell you. But not like this. This isn't how I wanted it to go at all.”

“Jongin,” Joonmyun chokes out. The angry furrow between his brows disappears, and he's out of his chair, stepping around the table, and enveloping Jongin in a crushing hug. “Jongin, I'm so sorry.”

“It's too late now,” Jongin sniffs and hugs Joonmyun around the waist, pressing his nose into his dress shirt. When he looks up, he attempts a little watery smile. “At least now you know.”

“Now I know,” Joonmyun repeats slowly. He returns to his seat and resumes eating mechanically. Jongin lets him take his time. They've know each other for eight years, after all, and he's never said a words.

“How could I have never noticed? Am I such a bad friend?” Joonmyun asks himself, looking at his palms as if he can find the answer there.

“I'm not out, back home. It's good that people don't notice.”

Joonmyun nods and takes a bite of pink lobster flesh, chewing thoughtfully. Suddenly a thought hits him, making him sit up shock straight. “I made that stupid blowjob joke when we had ice cream. I didn't know, I didn't mean to–”

“It's alright, hyung, relax.” Jongin sighs, slightly annoyed.

“Right.” Joonmyun sinks against the backrest. “Okay. You're my best friend. It's nice to know this about you.” He smiles gently at Jongin over the flickering candlelight, and Jongin feels the tension in himself dissolve.

“It's not going to be different between us now, right? You'll still hug me when I cry?” Joonmyun asks a bit anxiously. “'Cause you give the world's best hugs and, as you said, I've gone out of my rational mind over this breakup. Let me be honest, I don't think I know how to pick up the pieces of my life without your help. Don't keep a distance 'cause you think I might think your touches are weird now.”

Jongin give him a flat look.

“What, you know you are the type who would overthink like that.”

“Okay, I'm an overthinker. But you're being silly. Look, there's something I want to tell you right away. It's important so please, hyung, listen well.” Jongin looks into Joonmyun's eyes, making sure he has his attention.

“I'm exactly the same as I've always been. It's _you_ who got changed by knowing this about me.”

-

The next day is one of Joonmyun's good days. He's happy and up to trying all the exciting things on the ship they haven't done yet. They get a massage at the spa, eat steaks fresh off a grill at a BBQ place, and try out the video game arcade. Joonmyun is very liberal with skinship as if to show that he doesn't mind that Jongin is gay. He pulls him by the arm, leans against him, and even makes him play Titanic when they discover a small, hidden deck right in the front of the ship.

Jongin laughs as Joonmyun climbs on the lowest bar of the railing and throws his arms open. He puts his hands on Joonmyun's waist and tickles him. It makes Joonmyun squawk and wind himself in Jongin's grip.

“No, no, do it right,” he complains, and spreads his arms again, tilting his face up to the sky, eyes closed.

Jongin steps closer, needing no further prompting to hold Joonmyun in his arms. It's not quite as romantic as in the movie, though, when Joonmyun starts belting in the highest, breathiest voice he can manage.

“Nearrr... far... whereeeeverrr you are...”

Jongin snorts into Joonmyun's neck.

Their high spirits last throughout the whole day but they come to a sudden end when Joonmyun, digging through his suitcase to find his phone charger as they return from dinner and want to get settled in for the night, stops in his movements. In his hands he doesn't pull out the charger, it's the box with his wedding rings.

“I'd forgotten that I'd taken them with me,” he whispers and sits down heavily on the bed. “No, I can't give up like this.”

He grabs his phone charger, plugs it in, and calls Hayoon. As soon as she picks up, he's begging her to take him back.

Jongin freezes. He doesn't want to hear this conversation. But there's nowhere to run. The TV isn't on and the wind isn't blowing to drown out the sounds. Joonmyun's phone is loud, and Jongin can hear Hayoon's voice clearly through the speaker. She sounds angered as she says she already told Joonmyun everything he wanted to know last time and that she hasn't changed her mind. Joonmyun ignores her and keeps pleading and making promises. Her voice becomes curt. Tells him to look to the future and stop clinging to the past. She wishes him fun and safe travels before ending the call.

Joonmyun calls again right away. It only makes her angrier, though. She yells at him to stop calling and doesn't pick up the phone anymore. 

Pulling up the texting app, Joonmyun starts typing her a message declaring that he'll win her back. With rising anger Jongin watches the words form on Joonmyun's screen. He snatches the phone away before Joonmyun can send the message.

“You can't treat people like that! Stop harassing her.”

“I'm not harassing her!”

“She made a decision that you need to respect! She's her own person, not some kind of pet that you lost and want to bring back home.”

“What do you know? Nothing! You don't know what it's like to find someone so perfect that you're ready to vow to spend your whole lives together. She's the only one for me. Even if she leaves me, I'll never find anyone else like her!”

Tears of frustration spring to Jongin's eyes, making them prick. “You're unfair! You're not even leaving a _chance_ for anyone else to be your future. I... hate you!”

Jongin storms off, running blindly through hallway and down staircases. He ends up at a bar with terrible pink neon lights that give him a headache. Doesn't matter, they'll get more bearable after a couple of drinks.

Before he knows it, he's totally drunk and pouring his heart out to some stranger who has sat down on the bar stool next to him. The man looks vaguely familiar with his curly, dark hair and attractive smile. Jongin is aware that the man came over to chat him up but he ignores his advances and keeps talking. He just really needs someone to listen to him spilling everything about his long, long, hopelessly unrequited crush on his best friend. Halfway through, the back of his mind registers why the man is familiar, but his mouth just won't stop which is really bad because now they can absolutely not order room service again.

“Ahh, pity I don't have a chance with you,” the waiter says to Jongin. “See, that's why you shouldn't fall in love with your best friend. Whoa!” He catches Jongin when he slips off the bar stool. “Can you stand?”

“I'm fine, thanks. I think I should go home,” Jongin slurs while trying to regain his balance.

“Yeah, come on. I'll get you back to your room. The honeymoon suite 10164, wasn't it.”

He pulls Jongin along with Jongin's arm over his shoulder to support him as he's drunk off his ass. It's a miracle they make it to the right room in one piece. Jongin slips out of the waiter's hold and thunks against the door, laughing loudly as he pulls himself up on the man's arm.

“Why're we standing here?”

“This is you.” The waiter says and motions to the door. “Best of luck with your crush situation. Do I get a goodbye kiss?”

“Yes, you do.” Jongin throws his arms around the other man's neck, letting himself hang off of him with almost his full weight. He has to crane his neck up to aim for his lips. It's sloppy at best and Jongin forgets what he's doing after a moment, alcohol-induced fatigue suddenly weighing his eyelids down so that it's just impossible to muster the strength to keep them open. He breathes a stale breath through his slightly parted lips on the waiter's, who nonetheless holds him safely and seems to find something enjoyable in the kiss, prolonging it.

In that moment the door opens, and Joonmyun who heard the thunk against the door takes in the situation narrow-eyed but steps aside to make way for Jongin to come in, and doesn't comment on Jongin making out with an almost-stranger in the hallway. Jongin peels his eyes open and grins dopeyly at Joonmyun, slurring “goodnight” instead of some form of “hello.” That's when Joonmyun realizes he's three sheets in the wind, and that puts the situation in a whole new light for him.

“Get your hands off him!” he bellows.

Jongin jumps away from the man, thinking he was addressed, but Joonmyun glowers at the waiter, eyes like cold steel. “If you took advantage of him, I'll meet you in court.”

-

They don't talk about it and they're both glad when the cruise ship makes a stop in Fakarava the next day, an atoll belonging to French Polynesia. It's a picture perfect tropical paradise with translucent, warm water and endless white beaches lines with palm trees. Joonmyun and Jongin walk along the shoreline on bare feet, feeling the sand beneath their toes. Here and there a tiny crab skitters away and hides under one of the colourful seashells. It's very peaceful. They walk until they're far away from other people and then they sit down in the sand, letting the waves wash over their legs not caring that it gets their bottoms wet, even though they're wearing jeans cut off at the knees and not swim trunks.

Joonmyun's gaze wanders up into the blue sky and Jongin looks at him, just taking in all the details of his face, until Joonmyun notices and turns to him. Jongin isn't quick enough to hide his wistful expression but before Joonmyun can open his mouth, Jongin puts effort into pulling his lips into a smile and says. “You look so young in that bright yellow hoodie.”

Not responding to that, Joonmyun scoots closer and clasps his hand over Jongin's, trying to read his expression.

“And you look sad.”

Jongin evades his too observant gaze and looks out to the point where the waves are breaking softly.

“Not sad,” he lies. “The sea always makes me melancholic.”

“No, it doesn't. You love the sea.”

“Don't things you love sometimes make you melancholic?” Jongin sighs and lets himself fall back into the sand. The next wave soaks his back and washes sand into his hair. “The waves come and go, come and go, never cease to. I love the sound, the smell, the feeling when the water washes over my skin. But I try to hold it–” he lifts his cupped hands up into the blue sky, lets them fall again, empty even of imaginary water “–and it runs right through my hands. That's what makes me sad.”

Another wave comes and floods the sand under him, washing out tiny particles as it retreats, making him sink a little bit deeper. “Not being able to hold onto what I love. But I stay and sink deeper and wouldn't want to have it any other way.”

Joonmyun is quiet, contemplative. Jongin thinks his melancholy got a hold of Joonmyun, too, but he's wrong. A firm decision is ripening slowly in Joonmyun.

When they stand up to return to the cruise ship, Jongin can see indents shaped like them left in the wet sand, and the next wave washes them away. The same indents are left in their sheets when they get up every morning, just as impermanent. Every evening they return to perfectly made beds, and only the stray sock hanging off the bedside table is a testament for Jongin that Joonmyun lay beside him.

“You know what the waves at the beach mean to me?” Joonmyun asks, later. They're standing on the edge of their balcony, leaning over the railing to watch Fakarava grow smaller in the distance. Joonmyun is twirling the two golden wedding rings in his hands, and the decision in him has come to fruition. Jongin looks at him with inquisitive eyes.

“They made me realize that after each setback, you have to find the strength to move forward again. It's never too late for a fresh start.”

He lifts his hand up behind his head – and flings the wedding rings over board.

Jongin yells in shock.

“I'm a free man,” Joonmyun laughs.

-

Joonmyun keeps his promise and checks out the program of dance nights that take place on the outdoor dancefloor on deck 13. They have already missed a few, so he makes it up to Jongin by taking him to the Spanish dance night that is on that very evening.

There are strings of colourful lights over the dancefloor, a live band playing, and dotted around the dancefloor are little round tables with a candle on each and two or three chairs around them. Joonmyun and Jongin sit at one of the tables, drinking cocktails with Licor 43, watching people dance. The music isn't too loud so they can hold a conversation.

At some point Jongin can't keep his legs from jiggling along with the lively music anymore. Joonmyun chuckles.

“Come on, let's get on the dancefloor.”

“You don't have to,” Jongin said, knowing that Joonmyun would rather stay in his chair.

“But you want to dance.”

“Not with you. You're a calamity on the dancefloor,” Jongin teases, making them both laugh.

Joonmyun lifts up his glass of sangria and takes a good swig. “Teach me a Spanish dance. Tango?”

He moves around the table, grabs both of Jongin's arms and walks backwards, pulling him along. Jongin actually has to steer him so he doesn't bump into dancers, walking backwards like that.

“Tango isn't a Spanish dance. It's from Argentina and Uruguay. Flamenco is Spanish.” Jongin claps his hands to the music.

“Okay, okay, noted,” Joonmyun laughs, “but no one here is really dancing a proper style, so let's just have fun.”

He keeps one of Jongin's hands in his, pulls him closer, and puts his other hand on Jongin's hip. Jongin starts swaying with the fast rhythm of the music.

“Dancing involves moving.” He grins at Joonmyun.

Joonmyun laughs and squeezes his eyes shut for a second to express his embarrassment. He has trouble finding the rhythm. “Some help would be good here?”

Jongin puts his hand on Joonmyun's hip and applies pressure with every beat to get him to sway his hips to the music, eyes sparkling with mirth. “That's it,” he calls after a while, “you've got it! Keep going, and now we're moving a little, yes, just like that.”

“This is not so bad,” Joonmyuyn says and promptly trips over the tip of his shoe. Luckily, the song ends and the next one is slower.

Jongin gathers his courage and says. “We talked about tango earlier... there's a style called queer tango, did you know that?”

“No, I didn't. Tell me more about it.”

Jongin's heart starts pounding with strong, lung-shaking thumps. The fact that he can talk about things like that with Joonmyun now is overwhelming. It's like he's only started living now.

“Both partners can lead or follow and roles can even be exchanged during the dance.”

“So...” Joonmyun puts together, “everyone can dance it. Like, two men, for example.”

The warm colourful lights, the hypnotizing music, the touches and movements shared with Joonmyun, everything makes Jongin feel like he's in a dream world.

“Would you show me?” Joonmyun is looking in Jongin's eyes.

Jongin can't look at anything other than Joonmyun. He puts his arm around the middle of Joonmyun's back, bringing their bodies close together and leaning his head down, their foreheads almost touching.

“This is called close embrace,” he whispers.

Jongin being the experienced dancer of them does most of the moving, sliding and twisting to Joonmyun's sides before coming back into the intimate position flush against him. Joonmyun doesn't know the steps but he knows Jongin so well that he can read his cues and feels as if he's flowing with Jongin, like he's the water and Jongin the current. Jongin's gaze never leaves Joonmyun's face, and when Joonmyun's eyes meet his, he feels like he's bound with the power of a spell.

The night air is warm from the strings of lights above and the candles around them but it feels cool compared to Joonmyun's body. His palm is hot in Jongin's hand and his cheeks, so close to Jongin's, are radiating heat. Every point of almost-contact between them is heating Jongin's body up, and every part where they do touch burns like a fever.

Everything in the corners of Jongin's eyes is blurring, his only focus is Joonmyun, fully captivated. He's only breathing because Joonmyun's breath parts his lips and fill his lungs.

“I can tell why this is called close embrace,” Joonmyun murmurs. Jongin hears him clearly over the sensuous music because all of his senses only know Joonmyun right now. Jongin's heart is trembling finely like the string of a violin, a note yearning for a kiss from Joonmyun's lips.

A slow song has Jongin spinning Joonmyun in his arm, Joonmyun turning while keeping their gazes connected until he has to move his head with the rest of his body. The line between their gazes shattering snaps Jongin's attention almost painfully back into his own body. He feels his heavy breaths, and the blood pumping through the veins in his wrists that are pressed to Joonmyun's hips, his fingers linked through Joonmyun's. His lips are pressed to Joonmyun's neck in what he doesn't yet dare call a kiss, and he pulls Joonmyun flush against the heat in his crotch when Joonmyun offers the contact with an unmistakable move back.

“I shouldn't be saying this,” Joonmyun breathes, “I'm straight. But... I think I understand how you can fall in love with another man.”

“You're right, you shouldn't be saying that. And because you're straight, I shouldn't be doing this,” Jongin says and catches the rim of Joonmyun's ear between his lips, sucking just lightly on it, but it's enough to make Joonmyun gasp his name.

“What if I were... less straight?” Joonmyun asks, his breath hitching.

Jongin turns him around so that they're front to front, half-lidded eyes on Joonmyun's lips while he kneads his hands into the rounds of Joonmyun's butt.

“Kiss me, Jongin.”

Jongin inhales one shaky breath before the final leap. “I don't kiss people I don't like. If I do this, you must know that it means something.”

“I know. I know. I should have– You gave me signs. I was blind.”

-

Jongin pushes Joonmyun on the bed and they strip each other slowly, pausing in between articles of clothing for kisses.

“There was a rumour in high school that you had a crush on me,” Joonmyun says in a low, rushed voice. He's too breathless to speak but he tries nonetheless. “Was it true?”

“No,” Jongin pants. “College. Since College.”

“ _Since?_ Geez, five years. Ohh.” Joonmyun arches his hips up into Jongin's palm. “And we were room mates all the time. H– how did y–” He breaks off on a sharp inhale as Jongin manages to work his pants open and push his hand to Joonmyun's hardening member.

“I got by. Wasn't so bad. Only when you almost got married,” Jongin mumbles, embarrassed at his long-time crush. With Joonmyun's help he wiggles out of his pants without letting go of Joonmyun. He strokes him in his hand and lowers his naked body half on top of Joonmyun, nipping at his neck.

Joonmyun pushes the rest of his own clothes off and is surprised when he feels Jongin's hands on his cock rolling a condom on.

“This way?” he asks, breaths coming quicker in anticipation as he looks Jongin up and down.

Jongin nods, flushed deeply. “I want you.”

He sits up, astride on Joonmyun's lap, and reaches behind him to lather lube on Joonmyun and align himself. Joonmyun watches him, groans at the look of concentration and the trembling in Jongin's thighs.

When he's ready, Jongin sinks down in one go. He throws his head back with a moan of pain and sits still. But he's panting, and his cock is rock hard.

“Hurts?” Joonmyun asks, chagrined. He tries to keep completely still. It's hard, though. He's completely inside Jongin.

“Yes,” Jongin moans, “so good.”

It dissipates Joonmyun's unease and he puts his hands on Jongin's thighs, feeling the twitches of muscle he can't control. Seeing the wet traces of precum on the tip of Jongin's penis, he takes it in his hand and rubs the pad of his thumb on the sensitive spot under the crown.

It makes Jongin buck forward with a shout. “Ahh, wait!” He tries to pry Joonmyun's hand off because as long as it's there, the urge to thrust into it is overwhelming, but it jostles the cock inside of him. He isn't completely used to it yet, and moving hurts. It's a good pain but it's too intense for right now.

Jongin brings his hands on the mattress on the sides of Joonmyun's torso, lowering himself slowly. It makes Joonmyun's cock slide out until only the wider head remains lodged inside. Jongin closes his eyes, moaning, and gives himself to the feeling.

Joonmyun touches his face gently, locking gazes when Jongin opens his eyes. Moving his hips, he pushes slowly into Jongin who whimpers slightly but nods and moves back to meet him. They set a rhythm, a slow pumping, working together like two muscles of a heart. Faster and faster Joonmyun thrusts although he tries to hold it off. Jongin pushes himself up with his hands on Joonmyun's muscular chest and bounces in his lap until Joonmyun places his hands on the tops of Jongin's hips and pulls him down, thrusting up at the same time to spill deep inside of him.

He groans, satisfied, and makes a move to pull out but Jongin grabs him by the shoulders and wiggles back down on his softening cock. Joonmyun hisses at the oversensitivity but once Jongin has ensured he doesn't go anywhere, he stays still, and that's okay. More than okay. Jongin's heat inside feels amazing around the last little pulses of his climax ebbing away.

Jongin has takes his own erection in his hand and is jacking off with rapid flicks of his wrist. He's sitting hunched over and doesn't notice Joonmyun watching him until Joonmyun pushes a hand flat in the middle of his chest, making him sit upright.

“You're so red, let me see you. Hands on your back,” Joonmyun says. His voice is deliciously hoarse. His eyes are like fire. Jongin is so close, it takes all his willpower to let go of his cock and put his hands behind his lower back. He's too embarrassed to look into Joonmyun's face, keeping his gaze lowered. His cheeks are burning. Joonmyun takes him into his hand, letting him glide through his closed fist a few times. He's so slick and so close to the edge that it's easy to finish him off quickly. Jongin watches his own cum spurt out in white splashes between the fingers of Joonmyun's small hand, whimpering at the sight.

They clean up and slip under the covers. Jongin slings his arms around Joonmyun as if he's afraid he'll leave. But Joonmyun likes the afterglow cuddles. Holding Jongin feels natural, even now that they're completely naked. Jongin hopes Joonmyun feels loved. He's always been. Unfaltering.

-

_Epilogue_

“Tomorrow we'll be in Bora Bora. They advertized it as the 'top romantic destination' in their brochure.”

“Sounds good to me,” Jongin says and stretches languidly.

“And in three days we'll be back home. Back to our desk jobs and disapproving parents...”

Jongin rolls onto his stomach and pushes his body forward so he can lay his chin on Joonmyun's shoulder. “Not exactly a top romantic destination.”

“No.” Joonmyun twirls a strand of Jongin's hair between his fingers. “But we can make it one.”

“It's not that easy!” Jongin protests, thinking of all the problems they'll have to confront.

“You're right. It won't be easy. But we have each other.” Joonmyun runs his hands over Jongin's skin, caressing his side. Learning his body.

Jongin hums and throws a leg over Joonmyun's thighs. “Breakfast in bed?”


End file.
